如果我只是「过客」，请不要对我好！

如果我真的很不重要，如果我只是你生命中的过客
那么请你，请你不要对我好，
不要让我发现自己已经习惯你、依赖你到无法自拔..


从一开始，我只是陪你走过一段人生的小路程。
如果注定会分离，就别让我去抽离这种习惯！
因为伤不起，因为承受不起..
也许曾经想过封闭起自己，
只是遇到了你，以及你们，
让我觉得有支撑下去的勇气！
可是有的时候真的是太在乎，太容易受伤了..
不经意的知道很多..


是什么感觉呢？就像自己落水了，然后在绝望的那一刻，
有一只手伸过来带给我生的希望，
就在我真的真的想要把自己生命，
所有的希望交个那个人的时候，
却丢下我走了，任由我往水里沉..
从天堂掉下地狱..
知不知道，你真的对我是很重要，很重要的，
但是当我知道原来你不曾像我这样想过，
当我知道你根本就不曾在乎过，
或者把我当一个玩耍的工具时，
才觉得自己是真的傻，真的笨吧..


像以前遇到的很多人，说着很好听很好听的话，
让我以为自己仿佛是他的整个世界，
可是就要去相信去接受的时候，
却让我知道，原来一切都是假的..
为什么我拼命告诉自己不能轻易相信别人？
却还是选择了相信。我相信的人，
你对我很重要，或许我是真的没有长大，
所以我喜欢去相信你，去依赖你..
比其他人更在乎你的一言一行，也许你不曾感觉到，
但那是真的，那种感情，跟爱情，友情，亲情都没有关系..
特别得说不出来..


有一天，你出什么事了，我也会焦虑会害怕，
有一天，自己很难过很难过了，想要逃的时候，也怕你会担心..
把你当作我生命中很重要的人，但是有一天如果你不管我了，
丢下我了，连话都不想跟我说了，也许不仅仅是难过，还有…


如果我真的是无所谓有无所谓无的，
那么从一开始就别对我好，
因为也许你一点点的温暖就会想让我拥有整个太阳..
不要给我施舍的好，不要给我同情的好，一旦我习惯了这些好，
当你转身即走的时候，留下的除了一道道伤痕还有什么呢..？
这是自己曾经很想说的话，现在转过来..
现在想来，这只是青春的必经之路，
有痛苦，有甜蜜，回过头来看，
留下的只是淡淡的回忆... ..

再次失眠

讨厌这样自己
又再次失眠了
为何失眠？？？

回顾以往
觉得自己真的是很没有用
上帝给了我这么多美好的事、物与天分
懊恼自己怎么没有好好地利用呢？
即使是现在我还是不懂该如何充分的使用。。。

迷。忘

其实现在的我有点迷失了
坚持得越久
受的冲击就越多
渐渐的
我已忘了当初坚持的原因
渐渐的
我已忘了当初坚持的力量
开始有点妥协了
变得自己也不懂得如何去说服自己了
难道
这样的结局才是美好的？

Wed night

Met with H just now. Didn't contact him for very long period of time already.
When chatting with him, I always feel very comfortable and think that he understands, he knows my concern, he is listening...

I told him my concern, I told him what am i hesitating on and we talked about future... actually I was the one who talked a lot, most of the time he just be the listener... However, he did share his thought about life to me...

For the future, for the career, for the choices, I am really still hesitating... But at least, I believe that if one day I made the choice that everyone disagree with, still got someone understand... I think that is enough for me...

I have to admit that I am weak. Without support of my family and friends, I will corrupt... I know that when I come out with this statement, one of my friends, name J, will laugh at me, and ask me without your family and your friends, will you still alive? will you still survive? I think my answer is will, I will still alive, I will still survive... But meaningless to be alive and meaningless to be survive... I know that J just tried to make me become stronger and tougher, however, in the same time, I feel that he actually is not understand me, he doesn't know me...

Actually I do hope that I know how to tell my family what am I thinking about, tell them my concern... But I just don't know... even with friends, I also don't know... I tried, once start the opening and from their responses, I know that I do not need to continue...
I am really glad that H still here, like last time, always listen to me, though we lost contact for so long...

Great morning

Took my breakfast with parents in a restaurant just now.

I was impressed with the attitude of the waiter. His smile always on his handsome face and seems like telling me that today is a great morning.

Ya, every morning should be a great morning... I am glad that he reminded me... Though uncertainty happen every week, everyday... What I need to do just to solve them one by one...

Later will have lunch with handsome Dr. Boo... Long long time didn't meet with Dr. Boo dy... I think this coming lunch will be a great great lunch... ^_^

Just to share

Feel like want to share a good news with the friends who concern about me... ^_^
My convocation date for master degree is confirmed, 3rd Aug 2010, afternoon session...

I am glad that God loves me much...
When I feel myself as a stupid idiot, thinking and worry over somethings unnecessary, Lord will give me strength to overcome it...
When I feel kind of empty, like no one understand me, no one love me in this world, Lord will fill my empty feel, tell me that He is always with me...
When I get hurt, licking my wound at a quiet corner, Lord will come into my heart and tell me to be strong and He will heal me, and I will become a stronger and better ZM...

Even I am alone in my uncle house, I am not afraid, I know that He is with me;
Even I take the challenge to do sales, I am not running away, He knows I can overcome it then only will place me in such a position;
Even I am single, I am not feel desperate to find a partner, I know that He will make a great arrangement for me;
Even I can't find any job until today, I am not scare, I know that He will arrange for me...

By the way, want to share a lovely song:
You are my all in all

not to be a stupid idiot any more

though this is not a new thought
just to remind myself
not to be a stupid idiot any more...